Moalims

For me, my friends are those one would call ‘my people’ — those one can reach out to when the world is falling apart
Friendship is a relatively abstract concept for me, one that has evolved in different stages of my life. Growing up, I was surrounded with people very clear about the friends in their lives, the role they played, and the extent to which they were appreciated. From grandparents to elder siblings, friendship was a solid idea — something that strengthened over time as bonds got stronger.
It didn’t matter whether these friendships arose out of shared experiences in schools/colleges or was a natural outcome of siblings or cousins growing up together. The understanding that came from living in the same environment, having the same education, and roughly the same life experiences held them together in a translucent bubble all through their young adult life. And afterwards, shared memories and mutual affection was enough to keep these bonds strong.
Fast forward a couple of decades to my teenage years and I find myself on as shaky a ground as my elders were sure-footed. Over the years, I’ve struggled with the changing concept of friends and as I grow older, their role in my life. This article is, thus, a personal attempt to understand the presence of friends in our lives.
Everyone goes through the evolutionary phases of friendship. The teenage and early 20s are when most of our friendships are forged and cemented. In this age, friends become the most important factor in our growth and development. Nothing else is more important and there is an incessant need of being in touch and experiencing life together.
After college, the biggest transition phase comes when new jobs and life paths lead to independence, slowly weaning us off our dependence on our friends. It is a relatively turbulent phase because, as time passes and our personalities grow, the common interests and life goals that held us together dilute into nostalgic six-monthly reunions. New friendships are made that might not hold the familiarity of old friends but are more fulfilling because they address us as who we are in the present.
As adults, most of our close relationships also have a strong element of friendliness to them. Whether it is our relation with our parents, elder siblings, spouse or colleagues, the baseline of friendship exist in most of our interactions. The idea of being ‘friends’ versus being ‘friendly’ with someone is what leads people to use the term ‘friendship’ most loosely.
It is the quality of the friendships that people have in their 30s that predicts their well-being later on. This proves what many of us past the 30 mark already suspect.
For me, my friends are those one would call ‘my people’ — those one can reach out to when the world is falling apart. Many friendly acquaintances serve our need to share the joy in our lives but it is only ‘friends’ who can address our sorrow in any meaningful way. The primary driving force of this relationship is that of an equal with no other dynamic in play. That’s why even though spouses or parents or even older siblings can be of great comfort to us, their friendship almost never matches the satisfaction we get from people whose defining role in our life is based on equality and respect of individuality.
Fashion designer and author, Diane Von Furstenberg, once said “when a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier’. The idea, though appealing in theory because it is aimed at decreasing the emotional dependence on others, is flawed. It negates the evolutionary aspect from which these needs arise and ultimately makes life harder.
The close friends we make before reaching middle age become a source of great comfort in later years. A new 30-year longitudinal study by the University of Rochester cements this concept. The study has found that the kind of friendships we have in our 20s and 30s can benefit our well-being in later life.
Though limited in its scope as it is based on mostly white, educated people, the study shows that while in their 20s, it is the quantity of people’s interaction that affects their mental health in later life. On the other hand, it is the quality of the friendships that people have in their 30s that predicts their well-being later on. This proves what many of us past the 30 mark already suspect. The quality of our interactions, rather than their quantity, is what drives us and makes us stronger.
So, though I may continue to struggle with the abstract idea of ‘friends’, their presence allows me to share my journey with them and not have the experience altered because they have no other role in my life. And if these relationships carry me through my old age, I will hopefully be able to look back on my life with content.

Bushra Sultana